Reflections of a Father
Sherwood Lingenfelter
On Wednesday, Sept. 5, 2001, beginning my third year at Fuller, my firstborn and only daughter, Jennifer Lingenfelter, declared to her mother and me that she was in love with a woman and was a lesbian. She met Marta, her chosen partner, in her clinical internship for her doctorate in psychology. After completing her internship, they became friends, then lovers, beginning what has become a long-term partnership. As one can see from her story, she rejects the view that her sexual orientation was a “decision.” Her attraction to women has been as the core of her sexuality since junior high school.
Initially, this was distressing and even disheartening news to me. This is not what I had imagined for my daughter, and yet it did not come as a complete surprise. My wife and I remembered an intimate “love” relationship with a teen girlfriend during her high school years that disturbed us, and to which we responded with repression out of fear and anxiety. We recalled her disdain for dresses and feminine attire, even in elementary school, and knew that “romantic” relationships with boys had always been unsatisfactory and painful experiences for her. Yet my wife and I had never dreamed that she would live in a lesbian relationship for the rest of her life. How should we respond? Was it our fault? I could remember many times when I was clearly a failure as a father, and wondered how that might have contributed to this momentous decision by my daughter to become partner to another woman.
Our initial anxiety had to do with family and friends. What can we say? How will others view her and us? Should we hide this or declare it openly? How do we deal with this biblically and in our church and Fuller relationships? Was it possible that some kind of therapy or ministry could help Jennifer to become heterosexual? But as we thought about these questions, we concluded they were foolish. All our efforts in the past to help, encourage, and affirm heterosexual relationships had no effect. To try to “fix it” would only damage our relationship further.
Early on, we read books that Jen gave us. For Jen the book Stranger at the Gate (by former Fuller faculty member, Mel White) was extremely helpful and encouraging. We struggled with White’s theology but empathized deeply with the pain of this man in his journey of same sex attraction. We also read articles that engaged the passionate debate between theology and science—whether or not same sex orientation is genetic or social-psychological—and came away with deeply mixed findings, feelings, and uncertainty about both cause and effect. My wife and I have pondered our understanding of scripture, our theology, and our understanding of science and culture as we looked in all of these areas for some sense of comprehension as to our daughter’s sexual and spiritual journey. I was very familiar with literal readings of scripture and had used Romans 1:26, “God gave them over to degrading passions,” previously in a written review of someone promoting gay and lesbian issues just a few years earlier. As we pondered the stance of churches that we belonged to, we knew that gays were excluded and, if not excluded, marginalized in these congregations. We told Jen’s story to our closest family and friends, affirming our love and acceptance of our daughter and her partner, yet having no clear way to negotiate the gaps between our Evangelical culture of sexuality and our lived experience.
Through all of this one thing emerged about which we were certain: Jennifer is and always has been our precious daughter. She is flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone and we have cherished her from the first day we held her in our arms. For me, this was a time of inner turmoil, a conflict between the values and prejudices I had learned as a child and young adult, and the profound forgiveness and love of Christ that I experienced as a rebellious husband, father, and young professor in the State University of New York.
The tension for me is summed up in my understanding of the book of Romans. From the time of my childhood I understood that there is no one righteous, not me nor anyone else (Romans 3:10-11). During my mature adult years, I came to understand the power of Paul’s statement in Romans 11:32, that God has given everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all. I saw that people in my culture, and peoples in cultures that I have studied from around the world, have patterns of disobedience, patterns of rebellious relationships that defy the mercy and grace of God. At the same time, I have seen the mercy of God reach out to so many people in so many places; a healing touch to people in all kinds of brokenness. I also am convinced that when we give ourselves to Christ, that means presenting our bodies as living and holy sacrifices and that we should not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. These things have been a key part of my theology and my practice of acceptance of self and others as I seek to live and walk in the light of Christ at home and abroad.
I know from my research of cultures and peoples around the world that sexuality is a powerful human drive that varies from person to person, including same sex attraction. Sexuality has great potential for distortion, abuse, and destructive consequences. We do not know what causes same sex attraction, but we do know that people in most cultures repress and even abuse those who have same sex attraction. Jennifer experienced that repression from us, and sometimes abuse from others in her relationships.
I don’t know how to relate lesbian partnership to other forms of sexual behavior rejected in the scriptures. At this time I have no clear answer theologically. For example, I do not see lesbian partnership as sexual abuse, or promiscuity; and heterosexual adultery has elements of both abuse and promiscuity. I see evangelicals ready to forgive and accept those who have suffered the wounds of divorce, a practice that Malachi says God hates;
yet just as ready to reject and even hate gays and lesbians who live in loving commitment to one another.
So as I ponder these things, I have come to accept Jennifer’s partnership with Marta as more beautiful, caring, compassionate, and Christ-like, than Jennifer’s former “defective,” “ashamed”, and “black cloud” state of body and mind. I see that my choice as a father is fairly simple. I continue to love my daughter and accept her as the person God created and redeemed her to be. I seek to love and accept her partner Marta in the same way. I see their relationship as one that has been a blessing to each as they have come to know and love each other.
I also sense the person of Christ much alive in Jennifer’s life. She and Marta are now mothers of adopted children – a teenage girl and two boys, aged four and five who were abandoned by their male and female genitors, people who never served as loving parents. I see these two boys desperately in need of a grandfather and wonder who
else is there but me to provide that love. And why should I not love them since I am commanded to in Christ? But more so, why should I not love them because they are two boys who are loved and compassionately cared for by my daughter?
Jennifer and Marta are our family and delightful friends. They are people with much love for us and for others around them. How do I deal with their lesbian relationship theologically? My dilemma is I cannot read the Bible altogether as Mel White does. While I agree with his analysis of the sins of Sodom (Ezekiel 16:49-50), I see contradictions in other texts that have not for me been resolved. Yet, whatever the “falling short of the glory of God” for Jennifer and Marta, my falling short was and is greater! Further, I am confident that in the grace of Christ, I and they, who embrace that grace, may stand forgiven in the presence of God—not because of anything that we have done, but because of Christ.
I continue to support Fuller’s community standards while at the same time cherishing the new opportunities we have to speak to each other lovingly and humbly about such matters. Jennifer and I are open to have conversations with students and others about our journey together as father and daughter. We also, as sojourners together in Christ,
welcome conversations about how we might make the church a safer and welcoming place for those women and men who, like Jennifer, have from childhood struggled with same sex attraction in a world that condemns it.
Sherwood Lingenfelter 2011
About the Author
It shouldn’t really matter if homosexuality is written into one’s genes or not. People should be free to love whomever they wish- whether by choice or genetics or both – and be given the same benefits and rights conferred by society as heterosexual couples.
From a theology standpoint…probably like most other people with simple views and limited depth of thought you believed homosexuality was against god’s will because of a literal interpretation of a few bible passages. Of course half of the bible (like the old testamont) is filled with one liners and short passages that today even christian fanatics don’t really believe. The rest of us are still waiting to here a thoughtful reconciliation to this, though really it’s mostly rhetorical because there’s isn’t a thoughtful reconciliation.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. God made Adam and Eve as an opposite sex couple not same sex.
A brave post, and whatever position we at Fuller have on it, I want very much to affirm and respect that courage. Thank you, Dr. Lingenfelter.
Wow! I am sure the reason there are not more responses is not because the others have not read your mail, but because this is an extremely sensitive issue where persons who are highly regarded and respected are involved.
There is no doubt about the love and care both you and your daughter have for each other. Your actions demonstrate mutual love for Christ and a desire to honor the Lord as a family. You have gained even more respect for being able to bring this private matter to the public’s eyes.
When children who were taught biblical principles go astray, the first persons to feel guilty and are the parents. You often question where did I go wrong? Be reminded that you have no reason to feel guilty since each person has to answer the Lord for their own actions. You need to continue loving your daughter as you have, but since the actions of her life style are sinful in the eyes of God they need to be treated as such.
We must not view sin as something other than what it is, because it relates to a family member or someone close to us. Unquestionable biblical examples of the priest Eli, and King David are in the scriptures to remind us of this fact. Parents have the solemn responsibility to love our children with a love that is strong enough to reject their sin and disobedience to God. My prayer is that you find,and rest in God’s will for your lives.
Respectfully submitted,
Paul.
Indeed. We had over 2,000 unique hits on our website during the first week of this article’s release. Much of the feedback has been verbal, and the discussion has been overwhelmingly positive.
- The SEMI Staff
What a courageous and honest recounting of your journey. Your daughter and her partner are equally courageous. God’s love continues to confound all of us and push us into new frontiers…but isn’t that how it should be?
So sad. We often break God’s heart, do we not.
Take good care.
JS
@Paul Patrick: This sort of response is reductive. By the same measure parents should treat the lives of their children that divorce and continue to live in divorce as sinful. I think few parents would take that sort of stand.
“I think few parents would take that sort of stand.”
What most parents do has little to do with what every parent *should* do.
“By the same measure parents should treat the lives of their children that divorce and continue to live in divorce as sinful.”
Perhaps that is the case. Why do you think it is not? If your child is living a persistent life of sin (prostitution, murder, incest, whatever), and claiming to be a Christian, should we not treat them as unbelievers? I’m just going off what Paul and Jesus said on this.
And it’s difficult, of course. We have to be willing to leave father and mother for Christ’s sake. No one’s saying it isn’t hard. But don’t think that the hardship justifies disobedience.
Wonderful story! I am glad to read the struggle of perents to accept and support of children with non-heterosual orientation. As a pastor that accepts people with different sexual orientation than mine, I appreciate this article.
May the loving God bless all parents and people with different sexual orientation.
The Reverend. Nimrod Flores+
In the past several years I have become involved with lbgtq persons and know the struggle that they face for acceptance, from others and from themselves. Like those in these stories, I was taught the adage of hate the sin, love the sinner. However, hearts melt when confronted with personal stories such as these of deep faith and personal torment over the rejection expected from others prior to full disclosure of one’s full personhood. A Fuller Alum many years ago gave me a book by Paul Tournier, entitled The Meaning of Persons. In it he distinguishes between person (core self identity) and personae/personage with is the exterior or social self as seen by others. Those marginalized by their own identity even if never rejected by society feel the fragmentation and dehumanization that results when who we really are is different than who others think we are. This fragmentation is made all the more painful when who we are is revealed to others and is ridiculed and criticised by them,. Jesus as we know, like most religious teachers, taught others by telling stories of people, real people with real problems. When asked by others “Rabbi which is the greatest of the commandments?” He replied “To love the Lord your God with all of your might, and your neighbor as yourself.? Were Jesus walking around and listening to all the chatter, I wonder how he would further direct us to love our neighbors in this context?
Dr. Lingenfelter, I am glad that you have welcomed Marta and the children that Marta and Jennifer have chosen to be a part of their family. I am glad that you are not trying to change Jennifer as a condition of your love. I am glad too that you have chosen to share your decision with the Fuller community.
Loving, God blessed families take many forms and always have. Even various mammals taking in young of other species and caring for them and raising them. We are more than the beasts of the fields, but we are not less than the beasts of the fields, so if it is good for them to take care of abandoned young, how much more so is it good for us to care for children who need our love. Many young women have raised children with their mother helping after a father abandoned her. Many men and women have raised children on their own after the death of a spouse. Why do we let others single out this one family configuration to scorn?
In an age when loving committed families raising Christian children are up against so many challenges, I am glad that you are giving Jennifer and Marta your support and acceptance and are getting to know and support their children and welcoming them.
My best wishes for your whole family, and thank you for your courage to speak out.
As an M.Div. student at Fuller in the late 1970s, I had Mel White as a professor. He subjected us to ungodly and perverse movies in a class titled, “Media and Ministry.” I think he scarred many with the immorality he promoted all in the name of preparing us for ministry. But he was the exception in those days.
Why is Fuller promoting a powerless and repentantless Christianity? I know that sells all over today’s popular culture-worshipping landscape, but I remember a seminary that cared about human beings and the goseple and promoted telling the truth in love. That seminary clearly no longer exists.
In the Song of the Vineyard (Isaiah 5), the prophet decried those who call evil good and good evil. This spiritual “vineyard virus” is alive and well and it is crippling human beings across our “Christian” landscape in America. What God’s word truthfully and lovingly called ‘sin’, Lingefelt transformed into what he described as “…beautiful, caring, compassionate, and Christ-like…” and a blessing.” And children who should have been adopted into a family that would provide a father and a mother have been robbed of that deepest of all rights of a child, from God’s intended perspective. So sad.
This was a very insightful read on a topic which is delicate in nature. But it leaves me with a nagging question, can a Christian parent (or leader for that matter) accept what is presumably a sexual relationship of a son or daughter that is clearly outside of what the Bible teaches on sexual morality? Or can and should Christians accept the companionship part of a same gender relationship as long it does not include sexual practice? Sorry if these questions sound very personal in nature, but the article raises these issues.
In many cultures around the world the choice to accept the teachings and person of Christ results in a new life in Christ, but costs a person everything else that had defined them up to that point. Family, community, profession-everything. If we are to take as authoritiative the claims that Jesus died, and rose in order give us new life, we also must take as authoritative the other claims. It is a secondary point whether or not a person is born to a given sin. The primary point is that in our new life we are “born” again to “die” to those things God calls sin, not risk everything that we are promised on a choice to let Christ change everything except that which I really dont want to give up. I was born to have a sex drive, and yet based on Christ’s teachings, I remained abstinent until marriage at almost 30 years of age, and would have strived to remain so longer if needed, because that is how Christ called us to live our new life in him. I do NOT say this for pride, but rather as a minimum standard of what God calls us to: obedience in love and thankfulness for his gift of new life. How we are born is of less worth than how we are called to live “born again”. Didnt Paul have something to say about “food for the stomach and the stomach for food?” What exactly are we prepared to give up to follow Christ? In the West, it seems like less and less, and correspondingly less and less people seem to care. I am humbled by my brothers and sisters who give up more than I can dream in order to follow Christ. Christ was willing to give up so much for us, are we willing to give up so little for him?
Thank you Dr. Lingenfelter for this thoughtful and insightful article. I have always respected you and I thank you for publicly wrestling with this issue in a way that can help others. May God bless you as you love your daughter, her partner, and your grandchildren.
When a person or an organization jettisons the doctrine of Biblical inerrancy and the loving standard that it provides, these types of uncertainties and self-proclaimed standards inevitably become normal over time (http://genebrooks.blogspot.com/2009/08/christs-witness-to-biblical-inerrancy.html).
Just like adultery or any other sexual sin, the sin of homosexuality hurts both those involved and others connected with them because it falls short of the glory of God planned for our lives (http://genebrooks.blogspot.com/2011/06/romans-124-27-homosexuality-hurts.html).
God designed family as the basic unit of society for the benefit of everyone involved (http://genebrooks.blogspot.com/2011/05/genesis-126-28-220-25-gods-institution.html).
God designed marriage between a man and a woman as the basic covenant that is the foundation for the family. Tampering with it not only alters society, but damages the purpose for which he created the family (http://genebrooks.blogspot.com/2011/06/1-corinthians-71-5-gods-design-for.html).
There is no bravery in this article. It is cowardice bowing to a quickly declining culture. True love calls to repentance, not accommodation to sin.
I am so embarrassed and grieved over my alma mater.
I am sorry you are grieved at Fuller. I do not and cannot speak for Fuller. I speak only for myself, and my conviction that Jesus died for my sins of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and for the one’s I don’t even recognize as sin, but God knows are. God did not require me to be sinless, in fact I understand that I have and always will fall short of the glory and righteousness of God, and that “all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Rom. 3:24.
If you wish to condemn Fuller, that is your sin. But thankfully, Jesus also died for that one. Sherwood Lingenfelter
I am absolutely astonished that you are able to consider a homosexual relationship as Christ-like. My God is not perverse. He is holy and pure! To associate the name of Jesus with such things is sheer deception.
Love does not delight in evil. To masquerade celebrating a homosexual relationship as loving is far from the truth.
Perhaps the saddest issue, is the next generation who are being born into the severe abuse and deception inflicted by being raised by a homosexual couple.
I would never have chosen to attend Fuller knowing that the former Provost would advocate homosexuality. I regret investing my time, money, and heart at Fuller.
Hello Mary. I am curious as to why you regret investing your time, money, and heart at Fuller simply because a single member of its faculty is willing to be open and honest regarding his own personal struggle with a particular family issue. It seems like a stretch to go from disagreeing with a single person to openly regretting having ever attended an institution that is composed of many different people with many different opinions and theologies. This type of knee-jerk rejection, especially when applied to whole people groups, is precisely the mentality that shuts down dialogue rather than promotes it. I am extremely interested in the opinions and perspectives that you have, Mary, and I would love to hear more about the personal and theological convictions motivating your position. Would you mind posting more about why you feel the way that you do, rather than simply and comprehensively discounting Fuller in general?
The single person that has written an article which attributes the name of Christ to a homosexual relationship happens to be former Provost. So my ‘big stretch’ is pretty close to home. He is a significant representative of Fuller, not just a random person as your response above implies. His stance reflects on the school even if he does not desire it to do so. Not to mention you yourself have also written an article advocating homosexuality and are part of the movement steering Fuller in this direction.
My reaction is not a knee-jerk reaction, it’s a personal conviction based on the Bible. I wish I had the time to expound more… but honestly, I think it’s ridiculous to even need to debate such a matter… it’s like debating if fornication is sin. It is what it is, end of story.
I think that many students at Fuller hesitate to say anything in fear that they will be singled out or cause a disruption. Obviously, my response has not shut down the dialogue since you have responded to it. However, I am now removing myself from continuing to debate with you and instead will pray for you and will ask you to meditate upon 1Cor 6:9.
I will pray for you too and ask you to meditate on 1 Cor 14:34.
Gene did not condemn Fuller, Sherwood. He voiced his opinion, to which he is entitled. And you called him a sinner. Are you his judge? Where is his freedom to speak openly? Does that apply only to some?
I’m a parent, too. And a grandparent. I know how desperate love for a child can be. Just like Abraham; willing to sacrifice Isaac because he put his first allegience over his own child. The father of faith.
There are gay, bi and transgendered members of my family and friends. I see the results .. decades later. And whoa. Several dearly loved and defended by me. And it broke my spirit in ways I didn’t know a person could survive .. to see the torment. It’s NOT a little detail.
No one on earth is qualified to claim a back door agreement from God. We’re all in this together. We’re all wounded and confused. How will we survive without a Shepherd? A Compass? Right and wrong?
My close friends is in ministry. One of their children is gay. Though it breaks their heart .. and they love their child like crazy .. they remember their first love.
Mr. Lingenfelter and Jennifer left out one detail that is common to those who claim they were “born that way.” That would be physical abuse (rape) earlier in life resulting in one rejecting womanhood because of what it “caused” and to protect oneself from future abuse and pain. Could this be the case here?
Great article!
It is time for the church to understand that being gay is not going “astray.” Much of Scripture is a product of the culture in which it was written. We do not view slavery, women’s rights or divorce the same as when the biblical authors were writing, so why do we view homosexuality in such a negative light? (Jesus says nothing about homosexuality and plenty about divorce). As a Fuller MA graduate I am happy to see this dialogue going forward in a positive way. There needs not just to be “acceptance” of gays and lesbians, but a realization that they are just as Christian as anyone else.
God’s word does not change.
Dr. Lingenfelter –
I admire your love for your daughter and your refusal to keep her, or her partner, at arms length. Or to approach this situation with a shallow and sterile theology. Instead, you are engaged in the process of doing messy life with mixed feelings. Certainly many of us find ourselves there in one way or another at times. But you haven’t run or hidden from those feelings or from your daughter and I commend the love you and your wife have shown. I also appreciate your challenging the church to embrace broken people with that same depth of love. Certainly the harshness of many believers toward homosexuals, in the name of holiness, falls fall short of the grace and mercy of God.
With that said, I believe your daughter’s experience isn’t much different from others who struggle with a myriad of temptatoins. For instance, a married person tempted to cheat while stuck in an unsatisfying marriage; an aging single who feels the sexual desires God reserves for marriage. However, I believe we run into treacherous ground when we lower God’s standards for our own subjective experience. Or when we change His call to holiness to support our own desires.
I am an older single male, with all the natural urges of most heterosexual men. It would be easy to toss aside God’s call to holiness, specficially the call to preserve sex for the marital relationship, especially since I am so much older than most men who married in New Testament times. “Certainly God wouldn’t expect me to wait til marriage to enjoy sex when I just turned 42?!?!” Though at times this thought has crossed my mind, it sounds a lot like the serpent in the garden, “Did God really say????”
As I see it, God’s word doesn’t change to fit my personal temptations or preferences. Instead I am called to live a holy life and to conform my character to His commands. This isn’t easy, but He has given us His Spirit to enable us to walk this path. Obedience, even when greatly difficult, is what lordship is all about. As Jesus challenges in Luke 6:46, “Why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?” It is a slippery slope when we do otherwise. Yes, we all sin and fall far short of God’s standards, but God’s standards do not change in light of that. Instead we are called to change as we walk with God in the light of His Word.
For those who argue that our society’s shift toward legalizing homosexual marriage means the church should do the same. The church has never done well when it has taken its morality from society, instead of letting God’s Word set the bar. From the beginning, marriage is portrayed in Scripture as a gift of God designed for one man and one woman, while homosexuality, in any form, was condemned. This stance not simply seen at Sodom, but consistently throughout Scripture without much room left for speculation.
I again commend your courage to face this issue not as a distant theologian but as a loving father. I further commend your commitment to God’s mercy and grace. Clearly your daughter is loved by both her earthly and heavenly father. May God bless you and your family as you continue seeking God’s best for all and His unchanging Word for answers.
- David Mossholder
Fuller, MDiv, 2003
Dear Dr. Lingenfelter,
You have a lot of courage writing about your daughter and this issue. In 2003 I chose to write a paper on an alternative culture in my Fuller coursework. So, I chose the Gay and Lesbian lifestyle. I read story after story about parents like you who when confronted with “the news” about their son or daughter choosing to engage in this type of sexual expression with the same sex went through all the same turmoil as you did as a father. The agony in the writing from the parents was very sad for me. I felt grieved that any child would put their parent through something so hurtful. And, it has never been in print until now so I will say it. It’s selfish to “hurt” your parents this way. I have often “heard” that “if something doesn’t hurt you or others then it is okay to do.” So, does that still pertain to “homosexuality?” Because so many parents have been hurt and shamed because it is hurtful and shameful to have a kid engage in this lifestyle. Once again, hurting your parents so you can have the sex you want isn’t okay. I did it to my parents and it was not okay. I hurt myself and them deeply by my decisions. This aspect of sexual behavior is never brought out. How we can hurt ourselves, our parents, our family and the community by our sexual behavior. The Scriptures are clear: Homosexuality is a sin. It is harmful to everyone who practices it and somewhere along the line the consequence of it will show up in your daughter’s life. For which you will have to agonize over that thing, whatever it is, again. Once again this is selfishness on her part. I wish you didn’t have to give it one thought that you did anything wrong. You didn’t. And, you can accept your daughter and love her and adamantly disagree with her sins. You can adamantly cling to the commandments and the Scriptures. The highest form of love is obeying the commandments. It is God’s love not man’s love for his wife, daughter or family. The Scripture are clear: If you love God obey the commandments. Your daughter is putting human sexual love and desire above God’s love and there is a consequence to that. Which you no doubt will probably somewhere down the road have to deal with. It won’t be easy. It’s going to be a hard road for you sir. You need not falter in your beliefs because your daughter has abandoned hers for sexual sin. I have loved many homosexuals and told them flat out, ‘this is sin, it isn’t good enough for you.’ And, I have walked with them until the end of their lives. Homosexuality is not love. Jesus demonstrated love when he” gave up” his will. The New Testament directive for love, the highest form of love, is self sacrifice. That is our ethic. When you love someone in the truest sense of that word, you “give up” your way. In fact, to truly love another woman is to NOT have sex with her. To be in a relationship as a sister. And for a man to be in a relationship with another man as a brother. That is the highest ethic and calling of love in the New Testament. I know many parents that are in your situation and they stuck to the Scriptures, told their kid they loved them but by no means did they pussy foot around the moral directives set out by Jesus and the Apostle Paul. They flat out told their kid that what they were engaging in was sexual sin and that they hoped they could find a way out. I have gone 20 rounds with my own kids about their sexual sins and that is the job of a GOOD parent. to tell the kid you love them but to also tell them they are breaking the commandments. If you love your daughter and I know you do then don’t apologize for her sinful behavior and don’t water down the Bible. Your transmission of your pain is real and you would not be in such pain if your daughter had not put you there. And, you don’t need to excuse the behavior that put you in such a tailspin. It’s selfishness on her part and that is all there is to it.
A lovely article – I just went out with a friend and her girlfriend last night and the girlfriend still hasn’t officially told her family she is gay because her family is very religiously conservative. I think it’s so sad that our religion, which is based on loving God and loving others, makes these hurtful situations between parents & children; situations that create hurt and distrust and sometimes even hatred – things that do not in any way honor God. Yesterday afternoon a student of mine told me her brother just came out a month ago and her religious parents have been awful – shouldn’t we be the most loving and caring people, not the ones who scare our children the most? I am glad you found a way to love your daughter in a way that affirms her preciousness to God.
There are five places in the gospels where Jesus did refer to homosexuality but not directly or literally. Homosexuality was one of the serious sins in Sodom (there were others too) and Jesus was no doubt well aware of that.
Matthew 10:15
Matthew 11:23
Matthew 11:24
Luke 10:12
Luke 17:29
Jesus directly referred toSodom (from which we get the English term, “sodomite”) five times as a strong representation of serious sin that Jesus knew deserved God’s just judgment. His main concern in most of these references was to decry the refusal of his contemporaries to repent of their sin. Affirming that God’s judgment of Sodom was just, Jesus warned that the sinners of his day that refused to repent would fare no better. There was no lack of love in Jesus’ stern warnings.
While references are not specific references to homosexuality in specific (though jesus knew they pertained specifically to homosexuality), they deal with something that is MORE pertinent to this thread than any particular sin: namely, our sad refusal to repent of our sins.
Jesus actually says it will be ‘more tolerable’ in Sodom than for his contemporaries and that if His deeds of power had been done in Sodom, they would have repented with enthusiasm. His point was to critique the present religious authorities and people, showing them to be in a worse state than a well-known example from Israel’s history.
Do these passages give you pause before you condemn Sodom today?
Kenin,
In Luke 17:29, Jesus is not critiquing religious-political local authorities so much as the general population of people who, as in the days of Noah, were eating, drinking, buying and selling without sufficient attention to the just judgment to come–a jusgment Jesus proclaimed came down on Sodom from heaven. Coming from heaven, it was just judment for their sin. Same would be true for those in the days of the Son of Man.
The Luke 10:12 passage is not to religious leaders either but the people to whom Jesus sent out the 70 disciples with the message of the kingdom and repentance. Again, jesus affirmed God’s just judgment of Sodom for their sin and used it as an example for those who reject these disciples (vs. 10) and refuse to repent (vs. 13). Again, my point stands.
In Matthew 12, again Jesus was dealing with those who refused to repent in the entire cities of Corazin, Bethsaida and Capernum (not necessarily particular religious-political leaders) and the clear implication remains that sinful Sodom absolutely had to repent to be saved. Jesus used such a severely dinful example (Sodom) in order to drive the point home that those in his day who refused to repent were even worse.
And in Matthew 10, the message was (again) not for particular religious authorities but for those to whom the diciples were sent by Jesus with the message of the kingdom. In no case was God’s judgment of Sodom withdrawn or mitigated on its own demerits.
The condemnation of Sodom was not mine, Kevin, but our Lord Jesus’. As for all sinners, we are called as Christians to love them while hating the sin. That is just what God did through Jesus the deal with your sins, Kevin, and mine.
Dear Eva,
Our “religion” is not based on sexual sin. We “prove” we love God by following the commandments. Our culture has a very warped view of love and romance. I am sure that your friend who “came out” to her parents hurt them deeply. Why? Because they expected her to be good. To follow Jesus. To stay pure until marriage. I am sure her parents are not “awful.” I am sure they are hurt, grieved and want better for their daughter. The most “precious” thing we have before the Lord is our sexual purity. The most powerful attribute of God we possess is self control through the HOly Spirit. I am working with a young man who has completely trashed his liver over alcohol because he has to have that drink before he can engage in homosexuality. He is killing himself. I am working with him to get him sober. Then we will deal with his warped view of sexual love and love in general. He was never loved to his core and he never understood “agape” love, which is the “friendship” with God and others. He has no boundaries. He is full of hate and venom for all. He is full of self hatred. I have met numerous homosexuals like this. Just read Romans 1:18-32 and you will see this downward spiral. I have spent 25 years of pastoral experience on helping people “out” of this destructive lifestyle. Even for those “happy gays” which “seem” to be okay, they are not okay inside. They wear many masks and much defiance. If you bring up certain issues with them you have a roaring tiger on your hands. Homosexuality is a deep wound and scar full of much deception. You may see “calm” waters on the surface but I assure you that in 25 years of counseling there is chaos underneath. I have led many people to lives of purity and chastity. But, I can see that I am in the minority on this. That is okay. I will keep helping to bring sexual purity and wholeness to the gays and lesbians the Lord brings me.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for being “salt” in this fallen culture.
“If salt has lost its savor, wherewith shall it be salted?”
The most “precious” thing we have is our sexual purity? Your culture is showing Elizabeth! This sounds profoundly like western response. I challenge you to consider the totality of your (and others) personhood. We are much more than our sexual proclivities. In fact, I do wonder about your own sexual response and your own relationship to your sexuality if it seems such a mainstay of your spirituality? The Western Church seems much concerned with sex BECAUSE of the western culture (i.e. “the world”), as a result much of western Christianity seems obsessed with sexuality purity. You connect the dots…
Dr. Lingenfelter,
I must admit that I have no idea what I would reply to my daughter if she would tell me something like that. So I certainly understand your struggle.
On the other hand, I can’t hide my outrage to read that you consider a lesbian relationship as “more Christlike”. If this is Christ-likeness, then what is sin? How can a behavior be Christ-like, when even you admit that it falls short of the glory of God?
As an alum from 1968-1972, the traditional view of homosexual relationships was instilled in me, and I perceived that Fuller would never allow another view. But now that I am retired from obligation to uphold that consensus, I realize Dr. Lingenfelter has voiced what seems to me most plain and unanswered: “I don’t know how to relate a lesbian partnership to other forms of sexual behavior rejected in the Scripture.” Indeed, it seems to me that we evangelicals have embraced many views that make coherent sense of Scripture’s ultimate themes, yet remain reluctant to do that on the issue of homosexuality. Thus, I am thankful that the opportunity has been provided for sharing other views.
great article
Dear Dr. Lingenfelter,
Thank you for sharing such a profoundly personal experience. Both you and your family are courageous to tell your stories so honestly and openly, especially on such a divisive and emotionally-charged issue. Your acceptance and love for your daughter after she came out to you touched me deeply. It is the reaction I had hoped for when I came out to my Christian parents, but sadly did not receive. Because you see, I too, am queer and Christian.
Only in the last 3 years have I been able to walk honestly and openly with God and my community on this journey. It was extremely difficult to deal with the judgment, pity, and marginalization at first. I was in such despair, I contemplated suicide. But God helped me walk on with Him. And when I couldn’t do anything but crumple into a heap and cry for days and months, He carried me – one loving step at a time. I came to a point where there was nothing left but Jesus. And how He responded to me – with such compassion and grace! – made me love Him even more.
My coming-out journey is transforming me. Many of my greatest fears happened during this time – I was rejected, judged, condemned, treated as defective or at best second class, patronized, completely misunderstood, made to feel utterly alone (and even dumped by a hetero man because of my sexual orientation). But what has been AMAZING is that through all these fearful, painful, and shame-provoking experiences, God proved to be the strength of my heart and my very Life. Because of Him, I can be healed, and I can forgive and extend grace to others. I did not turn bitter or hard. If anything, I have a greater capacity now to feel compassion for, reach out to, and walk in solidarity with the oppressed, the ostracized, “the least of these.” Through coming out, I’ve also become more secure in the love of God, and more confident as the beautiful woman and daughter He passionately delights in.
The most AMAZING part about my coming out process: JESUS. Like I said, I’ve fallen more in love with Him. Through the darkest and ugliest stretch of my lived experience thus far, I came to see that Jesus is indeed the most beautiful Person in the whole world and the kindest Person I know. I love Him more now than I ever have before.
Dr. L,
In my opinion, the biggest issue in this article/letter is that is it self-contradictory. Regardless of where you position yourself on this issue, that fact that your statements are in conflict cannot be overlooked. On one hand, you go to great lengths to make a point that your sins are just as great as anyone’s, that your “fallenness” has fallen just as far as or further than your daughter’s. Then later you reveal that while you’re not entirely sure how to assess homosexuality theologically, you think that Jennifer’s lifestyle/relationship is “Christ-like”. Unfortunately, you cannot have it both ways. While I agree with everything you say about the need to love and not judge the sin of others, you do not say that homosexuality is a sin. If it is not, then why even a make a point of how your daughter is just as fallen as the rest of us? If what you’re talking about (homosexuality) is not a sin, then there should be no need to say that your sin is just as bad as anyone’s. Is this an article about the morality of homosexuality, or about your journey in loving your daughter? (I think you would answer it is the latter, and for that I appreciate the article; however, it did also dabble in trying to determine whether or not it is a sin. It seems as though that question is still outstanding for you.)
I am genuinely confused when you state that you will continue to love your daughter and “accept her as the person God created and redeemed her to be”. Does this mean that you hold the opinion that God “created and redeemed her to be” lesbian? When we are redeemed, we are a new creature, the old has passed away and the new has come. Does that mean anyone can conclude that sinful impulses that remain after our redemption must not really be sinful after all, otherwise they would have passed away? I would caution you against viewing the “blessing that they are to each other” and the “beautiful, caring, compassionate and Christ-like” partnership as Christ-sanctioned. I know many unbelievers who are and feel “blessed”; I know many unbelievers who do incredible acts in the way of philanthropy and service that reflect my own Christian values. And I know heaps of Christians whose lives are so indisputably filled with sin there would be no heated discussion about “is it sin? Is it not?” – and yet, they would describe themselves as “happy”. I am not implying that Jennifer is not a believer, I am saying that experiencing feelings of blessing, beauty, care, and compassion are not indicators that our lives are aligned with the Lord. For whatever it’s worth, there are virtually none of those elements in MY life, but there is a more-than ample dose suffering; feeling blessed is not a sensation I am familiar with. My husband on the other hand, who left me with 2 very young children after 10 years of marriage, cannot pass up any opportunity to remind me of how he’s “never felt better” now that he is out of the closet and living an openly gay lifestyle. I’m not going to use those things as a gauge of what is sinful and what is not.
Response welcomed.
Respectfully,
Rachel B
Dear Rachel,
I am sorry that you have been through what you have been through. You didn’t deserve being left with two young children. I hope that feeling “blessed” will become a sensation you become familiar with. I hope you will be able to describe yourself as happy and experience a life full of beauty care and compassion. You should have those things.
I am sorry if I am crossing boundaries with this response but I felt really sad when I read that. I think so many of us are going through life this way. We each have a journey and some go through so many dark times. Non of us have a guidebook and we are all doing the best we can. I hope you are given the space to get through your journey by the people in your life and that we all give each other that space.
Dr L-Thank you for writing this. Your willingness to struggle with the hard questions is an inspiration.
God Bless